I wish it flowed often to make me write but there are times when you have to bring yourself to record stuff, with as much detail as it would have vividly spanned in your head and the world comprising time and space. This is one such compulsive post; one which might reflect a lot of me and the 'I' in me which is very hazy now.

The quitter i am or an escapist running away from an 'I' she was scared of. Add to this a blinding confidence and a fooling courage to do what it takes to be..to be...

I came back jobless, with a thought in mind , a plan i would see realising in few days.. A plan , i was neither happy about at that time and nor am i now .. but something which i think is fine/okay. But the next run was an expensive choice.. i knew, i wanted money or whatever is decently required to barter my projected dreams! I was hopeful of finding a way to make hay, but did not know i would land in where i did finally!

They wanted me, i wanted the revenue, but i need not take the compromise with the quality of labor. I thought, i would think but my first call was to strengthen my plan to catch that flight, that flight they call goal! So, a 2 mins thought, if i am getting double than what i was looking for and all it takes is a little pain for sometime, guess it aint bad! Only that i would transform that thought of pain somwhere to work fine for me.

I accepted it, a different profile. First few days were as fancy but the reality slowly showed up when i met my team members. It was the plan of one of the hugest teams in the firm and the race with which it was growing was tremendrous. But there was too much of mental mismatch in terms of finding one sane/sensible communication with people which makes way for growth. I met labourers and a lot of them..people who take work, take money and happily go back home!

Insulation began! As i say, the chances of embibing an enviornment are high , especially if you are a reflecting personality and you get a lot of ego-boosting elements/entities/activities, and i knew i did not want any kind of adaptation on either side in the world i was spending a huge proportion of my day in. I did not want to get noticed. Every morning, the only thought in my mind was to make way for a good sleep. Although, that did not happen completely but yes, i did drown myself into whatever the CRT/LCD showed, wanted!

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Other than the consequence that i lost a lot of human touch in these months, i sadly did get noticed from whatever i did! And so much so that on any other given state of affairs, it would be over-whelming to be rewarded two times for your work (specially when your appraisal system is more absolute than relative) in a span of 8 months and being told by your director that your ideas have awakened and helped team improvise in the little time you spent!

I am not sure if i have lost on the human aspect of reciprocating to rewards/success etc but i did not identify any of this as anything but a change, somewhere.
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9 months of solitary lunches, which was difficult in the beginning but i slowly found a comfort in myself. 9 months of living the internet which was the only way of keeping myself updated with what i wanted other than developing some valuable contacts to let mestay physically somewhere and mentally Aware!

Sigh!

The date drama:

17th April'06 - I joined the money minting quest (At times, its weird to think that you could do something like this on your birthday ;))
2nd of Jan'07 - I quit
   16th Jan'07 - Accepted

Today... my pockets are still torn, heck! I dont learn ;)

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